Top 11 People Who Never Bitch(ed)

Since I just started this Done Bitching blog, I thought it would be a good idea to exemplify the spirit of Done Bitching by giving you a Top 11 list of people that never bitch, or more appropriately (since most of them are no longer with us) never "bitched." This will give you a good idea of what Done Bitching is all about, and why I think it is so important to celebrate the beauty and grandeur of this life with gratitude and eloquence--and stop complaining all the time like a bunch of damn wusses! The reason I chose 11 is because a)11 is a cosmically charged number of great spiritual significance and b)Top 10 lists are for boring, regular, mediocre people--aka complainers!

These 11 people come from all walks of life--all races, colors, and creeds. In most cases, the only thing that they have in common is the one golden thread that was somehow woven into each of them at birth--they never bitched. I have to add that while I did receive some much appreciated feedback from my Facebook friends, this is MY list. So on the outside chance that you disagree with any of my choices: don't bitch, make your own list.

While it saddens me that I had to bestow the grand honor of making my list to 8 of these 11 recipients posthumously, it gives me great joy to know that their spirit will live on in this blog. This is further proof that the art of "non bitching" is a timeless craft that has transcended the millenia and will live on forever, as long as we protect and nurture it. With that said, let's begin the list with a famously resurgent non-bitcher who is still with us:


#11. Chuck Norris
I knew that if I didn't include Chuck on the list that I would get a ton of nasty emails from action hero fans, cyber geeks, and Total Gym owners alike. I just hope Chuck doesn't feel so slighted about winding up at #11 that he decides to give me a round house kick to the face.
In our modern day world, "Chuckisms" have become a nationwide symbol of how important it is for Americans to have heroes, as well as our need to pass the time at work by making up stupid crap on the internet.
Though it's been said that "Chuck doesn't flush the toilet, he just scares the shit out of it," or "Steroids once tested positive for Chuck Norris," I just see him as a regular guy, and I'm glad to have him as one of the few living members of this Top 11 list. Though I did hear a rumor that Chuck died 20 years ago, it's just that death hasn't built up enough courage to tell him yet.



#10. Gandhi (1869-1948)

Here's a guy who weighed "a buck 0-2," and this would be before he went on a two week fast to protest the tyranny of the British troops against his Indian people. He also employed the method of civil disobedience to gain millions of Indians their freedom, which in turn inspired a young Martin Luther King (who also could have made this list) to do the same here in America. Civil disobedience is a fancy way of saying, "We're done bitching, but we're not going to do what you tell us to do."
Gandhi dedicated his life to truth, non-violence, and the end of useless mamby-pambyism. He once said, ""When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall — think of it, always." He was assassinated in 1948 by Nathuram Godse, a religious extremist, and no doubt a whiny little biotch.







#9 and #8. Christopher (1952-2004) and Dana Reeve (1961-2006)

Did anyone ever bitch LESS than these two!? I think not. From Christopher's unrelenting optimism in the face of total paralysis, to their combined efforts in spinal chord injury research, to Dana's battle with lung cancer---neither of them complained a bit til the day they died. They redefined what it means to look at the glass half full. Superman was a pansy compared to the real man that Christopher Reeves was, and if anyone was the "woman of steel" it was Dana. My heart goes out to their surviving children, but I have no doubt that they possess some amazing DNA.



#7. Cal Ripken Jr.



Though it would have been very easy to make my childhood hero #1 on the list, I'm trying to be as fair an unbiased as possible. That being said, no one with a fully functional frontal lobe can deny that he belongs on the list. This guy NEVER complained. He just went out and did his job for a record breaking 2,632 games until he finally decided to take himself out of the lineup.
Sure, you could make the case that Brett Favre's streak is equally impressive, especially because it's football, but to say that Brett "never bitched" would be a bit of a stretch. (Also, to the best of my knowledge, Cal never sent photos of his junk to a large breasted staffer. This definitely boded well for him as I compiled the data for this list.)
I was fortunate enough to attend the game on September 6th, 1995--when Cal broke Lou Gehrig's record and even hit a home run for Baltimore's faithful. They issued a special commemorative ticket that night, and by the grace of God I was lucky enough to have Cal sign it! One day when my son is old enough to appreciate what sports, dedication, and sacrifice is all about, I will give him the chance to watch me sell that ticket on Ebay for a nice chunk of change.



#6. Viktor Frankl (1905-1997)

Viktor Frankl was a Jewish-Austrian psychiatrist, and while he may not be the most well known person on my list, he is certainly well deserving (and I'm sure it's the highlight of his afterlife). He spent three years in Nazi concentration camps, including Auschwitz, where his wife and most of his family were murdered during the holocaust. Once liberated in 1945, he went on to write "Man's Search for Meaning," a landmark book about how to find meaning (and not bitch) in even the most terrible conditions--be they physical or mental.
One day, while being escorted from one building to another at Auschwitz (and unsure if this would be his last walk) he began to contemplate his wife as he last saw her, and had this thought: “a man who has nothing left in the world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.” Think about this the next time your spouse leaves the cap off of the toothpaste.



#5. Pat Tillman (1976-2004)



This guy is a TRUE American hero. In the modern world where high paid professional athletes are notorious for bitching, moaning, and complaining (See: Terrell Owens), Pat Tillman made a decision that puts him in a class by himself. He chose to go to war and defend our country and leave behind a high paying job in the NFL as a safety for the Arizona Cardinals. A decision that would eventually cost him his life.
Can you imagine Terrell Owens or Albert Haynesworth doing this? (BTW, I'm ROTFLMMFAOLOLOMG!!) Albert can't even be trusted to show up for practice, and T.O. pisses and moans so much that you'd think he contracted something in Tijuana. Big ups and mad props to you Pat. You are a bigger man than all of us, and you're exactly what this list and this blog is all about.



#4. Buddha (563 BC-483 BC)



When I was a kid I used to think that this was just some made-up weird guy that other weird guys with bald heads and robes bowed and prayed to. Turns out he was a real person, and never claimed to have any magic powers, other than the fact that he didn't bitch about anything. In fact, by the time he died at age 80, he was even able to keep those little voices in his head silent. You know the ones I'm talking about--the voices that bitch about everything!? Of course you do. Another name for silencing those voices (the ego) and getting to the truth about who we really are is "enlightenment," and Buddha had it down. Wouldn't that be a nice trick?
One of my favorite quotes from Buddha is, "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." Makes sense to me.
Did you know you could be a Buddhist and still be a Christian? Or any other religion, or no religion at all? Do yourself a favor and research Buddha and Buddhism (and by research I mean: Google it!). It's been around for 2500 years and it still makes sense today, maybe now more than ever. I was pretty ignorant when I was younger, but now that I'm older I've actually become one of those weird bald guys that really digs him (without the robes).


#3. Helen Keller (1880-1968)

Oh sure, we all grew up with the jokes about how her hands were purple because she "heard it through the grapevine" or how she burned them "trying to read the waffle iron," but guess what--Helen had the last laugh! Helen Keller was blind and deaf, yet somehow managed to accomplish more in one lifetime than most people with 5 senses will ever dream of. She is known for saying, "Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." And yes, she actually said that, not "mmmwawsheflaaagwaaaa."
If Helen never had a reason to bitch, then neither do you. It's well documented that she never bitched, and it's not just because she "wore mittens" or was busy "reading the stucco walls." Before you tell another Truly Tasteless Helen Keller joke (does anyone still do that?), make sure you've done more with your life than she did. Otherwise, the joke's on you baby!



#2. Nelson Mandela



As an anti-apartheid activist in South Africa in 1962, Nelson Mandela was sentenced to life and spent 27 years in a Robben Island prison until his liberation in 1990. While attending a celebration banquet after his release, Mandela even invited some of his captors to attend, including guards that had beaten him while he was incarcerated. And you get pissed at telemarketers when they call!?
Mandela once said, "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies." This attitude, as well as his fight for ALL human rights is what makes him a Done Bitching All-Star. The next time you're mad at your boss, your gossiping co-workers, the rush hour traffic, or the acne faced kid who's taking your order way too slowly at Hardees--think of Nelson. He had 27 years to wallow in anger and plot his revenge, but instead, all he did was use that time to think of new ways to love all human beings.


#1. Fred McFeely Rogers (1928-2003)



This man needs no introduction. If you grew up in the 70s, 80s, or 90s--Mr Rogers was the freakin man! Who can forget that sweater? Those sneaks? That soft spoken voice, that cheerful smile and they way it felt like he was actually talking to YOU!? This guy not only never bitched, I believe he was physically incapable of bitching. I must admit, before I wrote this blog I had no idea that his middle name was "McFeely." But Duh! What else could it have been!? (I didn't make that up, that's his real middle name).
In 2002, President George Bush awarded Mr Rogers the Presidential Medal of Freedom, America's highest civilian honor (and pretty darn smart for 'ol George). At one point there was a rumor that Mr. Rogers had been a Marine sharpshooter and had 150 confirmed "kills" during the Vietnam War. This turned out to be just rumor, and thank goodness. I prefer not to picture Fred on the top of some dillapitated building in Saigon with a sniper rifle, sweater, and sneaks putting a bullet through some Vietcong's temple at 200 yards while whispering "Won't You Be My Neighbor?"
Mr. Rogers is not just #1 on my list, he is the very symbol, mascot, and poster child for Done Bitching. In conclusion, here is one of his quotes that sums it all up for me:

"When I say it's you I like, I'm talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed."

That's some deep shit Fred.