Success. It’s what we all want, isn’t it? In our culture we use that word to describe the rich, the famous, and the accomplished. If you’re a success you’ve made it, you’re at the top of the heap, you’re head and shoulders above the crowd. But is that what success really is? Let’s look at how Merriam-Webster defines success:
A. A favorable or desired outcome;
B. also: the attainment of wealth, prosperity or fame
I don’t know who the heck Merriam Webster was but she must have been an American. This is clearly our cultural definition of success, because there is too much emphasis put on “B” and not nearly enough put on “A.” If you were to travel to a Tibetan monastery and ask a group of meditating monks to define success, I sincerely doubt they would tell you it’s “the attainment of wealth, prosperity and fame.” Hollywood is full of examples that wealth and fame don’t necessarily make you a success, they just make you rich and famous. I could mention some obvious names but I don’t even need to, that’s how obvious they are. So what can we learn from these people, besides the fact that they blow up the TV ratings and sell a shit load of gossip magazines? We can learn a lot, and I’ve found that learning from someone else’s mistake is the much more time efficient and inexpensive than learning from my own. It might be a lose/win situation--and I always prefer a win/win--but at least in this case I’m the winner.
First of all, let me be clear. There is nothing inherently wrong with wealth, prosperity, or fame. They’re like fire and water; it all depends on how you use them. They aren’t good or bad by themselves, they’re just tools to be used by whoever possesses them. Paul Newman was very rich and very famous. He was also a highly respected Oscar winning actor, a humanitarian (responsible for over $300 million to charity), and married to the same woman for 50 years—now that’s what I call success! My point is that while wealth and fame don’t guarantee that you are a successful human being, they don’t detract from it either. It’s not what you have or don’t have; it’s what you do with what you have that makes you a success (or a failure, for that matter.)
The paradox of success is that only you can define what it means to you, yet we love to let outside factors (peers, relatives, society, the media) define it for us. I took a poll of Facebook friends on what success meant to them and what they wanted most out of life, and here are some of the answers I got: stability, inner peace, integrity, health, happy family/kids, a committed relationship, and of course—happiness and love. Some people alluded to wanting a better financial position (don’t we all?), but not one person said that “being rich and famous” meant success to them. Sure, my friends are high quality people (that’s a given), but I think this is an accurate snapshot of how most people feel, even in this so-called materialistic culture of ours. Are we really materialistic, or are we just a little misguided? I believe that our hearts are in the right place—it’s just our asses are a bit off course.
So let’s break it down ever further and try a little test. Think about how you define success, or something that you really want, and you’ll see that it inevitably leads back to these two: love and/or happiness. We can even use what my Facebook friends said as examples. Why would someone want stability? Because they believe it will make them happy. Why would someone want a committed relationship? Because they believe it will bring them love. Why would someone want a healthy, happy family? Because they believe it will bring them love and happiness. See where I’m going with this? The reason we want ANYTHING, as hard as this might be to believe, is because we feel it will bring us love, happiness, or both. Period. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself. It works every time.
Love and happiness is what we all want but we sometimes forget that along the way. The irony is that, in our quick fix, “I want it now” society, we are taking the most circuitous route to happiness imaginable. Funny that it’s the one thing we don’t take a short cut on. Why does someone buy an expensive sports car? Because they want to go fast? Because they want to look successful? Because they want to pick up chicks? It could be all of the above, but ultimately it’s because they believe deep down that these things will make them happy. I’m not saying not to buy an expensive sports car, but if you’re feeling unhappy and you think this is going to turn things around you’re going to be very disappointed in a week or two after the novelty wears off.
Here’s our problem: we go to work at a job we can’t stand, and then, as Will Rogers so eloquently put it, “we spend money we don’t have, on things we don’t need, to impress people we don’t like.” All because we believe it will make us happy. Sound like anyone you know? Remember, no one is pointing a gun at your head telling you where you have to work, what car you have to drive, what house you have to live in, or what clothes you have to wear. Somehow we convince ourselves that if everything appears wonderful from the outside that everything will be peachy on the inside, but rarely does it work out that way, and we spend tons of energy trying to keep up appearances for people who couldn’t care less about our lives anyway. Like everyone else--they’re worried about their own lives!!
A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.
~Bob Dylan
That quote always keeps things in perspective for me. I have bad days like everyone else, and I have experience working at jobs that clearly weren’t right for me, but I’ve vowed never again to get into a field of endeavor that doesn’t truly inspire me and make me excited to get up in the morning. What’s the point? The first excuse that people come up with is that they are “doing it for the kids.” I understand that you have to pay the bills, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a martyr. The most important thing children need is an example of how to live, and no one can provide that example better than the parents. If you are sacrificing your own happiness for your kids, they will grow up believing that they must do the same—even if you tell them differently. Kids are much more likely to do what you do then do what you say.
When I’m making a big life decision I always try to ask myself “will this bring more happiness to me and the people I love?” If not, I know it’s not for me. It might be tempting for you to take the job that pays a little more, or buy the house or car that costs a little more, but is this really going to bring you more love and happiness? And if not, is it really worth it? Again, there’s nothing wrong with buying things you can afford, but it’s important to be honest with yourself about why you are buying them in the first place. Will they make your life better, or will they give you more headaches and stress while appearing to make you look more successful? As someone who has dealt with anxiety their entire life, I’ve added “lack of stress” to the list of things that I strive for, and trust me, it’s damn near the top of the list.
I like to think that we are reaching a critical mass in this country where people are starting to understand that “more stuff” does not equal more joy. I know that we understand it on an intellectual level (as was evidenced by the Facebook poll), but I think that understanding means putting it into practice. As a country we’ve always viewed love and happiness as something that aren’t visible like a car or a house—so why bother with them? But isn’t it true that these things really are visible? Rich or poor, people can subconsciously pick up on your level of joy--or your misery. You can’t hide it; you radiate it as soon as you enter a room. Remember that no one can define your success but you, and you are only as successful as you feel. Make love and happiness your first priority because they are your greatest assets. No one can be a success without them--or a failure with them.
