How to Stick to Your Resolution

Yet another new year is upon us. Wow. They just seem to fly by, don't they? How many times have you told yourself "this year is going to be different!" Only to lose your drive, motivation, and focus a few weeks (or even days) into the new year. Why does this happen dammit!!? If your intentions are good, why don't your resolutions "stick?" The answer is pretty simple...

Most people have resolutions like "I want to get in shape" or "I want to make more money." In fact, these are the two standard resolutions, at least for Americans. The reason they don't work is because they aren't specific enough, and they only convey a general sense of wanting and wishing. If you want to make a resolution "stick," or any goal for that matter, you have to phrase it in a way that your mind, body, and soul can get behind it. Otherwise you're just one of the herd--wanting, wishing, and hoping for the new you that never comes.

The first thing you need for any resolution is a numerical goal. This gives your mind a target to focus on. For example, instead of saying "I want to get in shape," set a numerical goal for yourself, like losing 20 lbs. The next thing you need is a goal date, so your mind not only has a target but a deadline to reach it. Next, you want to phrase it in a way that excites and empowers you, so you have the motivation to complete it. Finally, and this is very important, you
need to write it down daily so it is a constant reminder of your intentions. So, if you "want to get in shape," your daily written resolution might look something like this:

"I am losing 20 lbs by March 31st 2012 because getting in shape feels phenomenal!"

Gets the blood pumping a little more than mindlessly mumbling to yourself "I wanna get in shape," doesn't it? You'll notice that I said I am losing weight rather than I want to lose weight. This implies that you've already begun to achieve the goal (which is true, if you're stating it) instead of just wanting it to happen. It's also good to use a big word like phenomenal that conjurs up some emotion. After all, that's why you want to get in shape in the first place--to feel PHENOMENAL!!

The same goes for making more money. The first thing you have to decide is "how much more do I want?" I know, I know, a million dollars by next week would be nice, but you have to set a goal that you believe is truly possible. If a million dollars by next week is possible, then by all means, go for it! But if you're in the 99% that don't make a million dollars a week (like me), this might be unrealistic. A good goal is something that stretches you, but something that you truly believe is possible. Is 30% more too much? How bout 20%? Let's take it one step at a time and try 10%. Can you imagine making 10% more money? Most people can, and most people would LOVE to make 10% more than they are making right now. So you're goal might read something like this:

"I am making 10% more income by March 31st and I'm ecstatic to have more money!"


I'm no mathematician, but if you keep me making 10% more income every quarter you are going to be in great shape by the end of the year. In fact, by making 10% more each quarter you will make over 33% more at the end of the year than what you originally started with! This is a great example of how taking small steps will inevitably lead to huge results. Could you use 33% more income this year!?

All of us want to improve our lives. If you didn't, you certainly wouldn't have read this much of my blog. But if you're one of those people that don't know what areas to focus on or where to start, I have little rule that I use called "The S.H.I.F.T. Rule." The acronym SHIFT stands for Spirit, Health, Intellect, Finance, and Teamwork--the 5 most important areas of your life. By setting goals in these 5 areas and giving them daily attention, you are much more likely to wake up excited to live with a sense of purpose and accomplishment. We've already taken care of "Health" and "Finance" in this blog by setting a goal, a deadline date, and writing down an intention to make them happen. Now all you have to do is write down goals in the other areas and you're all set!

In my next blog I will go over "The SHIFT Rule" in more detail. I'll share some tips that make the whole process of goal setting easy and fun. I don't know about you, but if something is fun I am much more likely to do it. New Years resolutions shouldn't be drudgery or something we dread, they should be something that inspires and empowers us. I want to see you at this time next year, having accomplished all of your goals and creating new ones that you never thought possible. If you take one step at a time and just keep going you will eventually get to where you wanna be. I believe that 2012 is the year all of your resolutions will finally stick!

A Parable of My Beliefs

A bald guy, an atheist, a theist, and an agnostic were walking through the woods one cold winter day when they came across an empty log cabin. Without ever having seen the cabin before the theist says, “I know exactly who built this cabin, why they did it and who their father is. I also know that they’re going to return soon!” Slightly perturbed, the atheist replies, “there’s no proof that this cabin was built--therefore no one built it!” The agnostic added, “We have no idea who built this cabin, therefore it is unknowable!”

The bald guy says, “Look, I don’t know who built this cabin or why they did, but I know it’s here. We might found out someday why it’s here, but until then, shouldn’t we just go inside, get warm, share a meal, treat each other kindly and shut the f*** up!!?”

No one can define YOUR success but YOU

Success. It’s what we all want, isn’t it? In our culture we use that word to describe the rich, the famous, and the accomplished. If you’re a success you’ve made it, you’re at the top of the heap, you’re head and shoulders above the crowd. But is that what success really is? Let’s look at how Merriam-Webster defines success:

A. A favorable or desired outcome;
B. also: the attainment of wealth, prosperity or fame


I don’t know who the heck Merriam Webster was but she must have been an American. This is clearly our cultural definition of success, because there is too much emphasis put on “B” and not nearly enough put on “A.” If you were to travel to a Tibetan monastery and ask a group of meditating monks to define success, I sincerely doubt they would tell you it’s “the attainment of wealth, prosperity and fame.” Hollywood is full of examples that wealth and fame don’t necessarily make you a success, they just make you rich and famous. I could mention some obvious names but I don’t even need to, that’s how obvious they are. So what can we learn from these people, besides the fact that they blow up the TV ratings and sell a shit load of gossip magazines? We can learn a lot, and I’ve found that learning from someone else’s mistake is the much more time efficient and inexpensive than learning from my own. It might be a lose/win situation--and I always prefer a win/win--but at least in this case I’m the winner.


First of all, let me be clear. There is nothing inherently wrong with wealth, prosperity, or fame. They’re like fire and water; it all depends on how you use them. They aren’t good or bad by themselves, they’re just tools to be used by whoever possesses them. Paul Newman was very rich and very famous. He was also a highly respected Oscar winning actor, a humanitarian (responsible for over $300 million to charity), and married to the same woman for 50 years—now that’s what I call success! My point is that while wealth and fame don’t guarantee that you are a successful human being, they don’t detract from it either. It’s not what you have or don’t have; it’s what you do with what you have that makes you a success (or a failure, for that matter.)



The paradox of success is that only you can define what it means to you, yet we love to let outside factors (peers, relatives, society, the media) define it for us. I took a poll of Facebook friends on what success meant to them and what they wanted most out of life, and here are some of the answers I got: stability, inner peace, integrity, health, happy family/kids, a committed relationship, and of course—happiness and love. Some people alluded to wanting a better financial position (don’t we all?), but not one person said that “being rich and famous” meant success to them. Sure, my friends are high quality people (that’s a given), but I think this is an accurate snapshot of how most people feel, even in this so-called materialistic culture of ours. Are we really materialistic, or are we just a little misguided? I believe that our hearts are in the right place—it’s just our asses are a bit off course.


So let’s break it down ever further and try a little test. Think about how you define success, or something that you really want, and you’ll see that it inevitably leads back to these two: love and/or happiness. We can even use what my Facebook friends said as examples. Why would someone want stability? Because they believe it will make them happy. Why would someone want a committed relationship? Because they believe it will bring them love. Why would someone want a healthy, happy family? Because they believe it will bring them love and happiness. See where I’m going with this? The reason we want ANYTHING, as hard as this might be to believe, is because we feel it will bring us love, happiness, or both. Period. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself. It works every time.

Love and happiness is what we all want but we sometimes forget that along the way. The irony is that, in our quick fix, “I want it now” society, we are taking the most circuitous route to happiness imaginable. Funny that it’s the one thing we don’t take a short cut on. Why does someone buy an expensive sports car? Because they want to go fast? Because they want to look successful? Because they want to pick up chicks? It could be all of the above, but ultimately it’s because they believe deep down that these things will make them happy. I’m not saying not to buy an expensive sports car, but if you’re feeling unhappy and you think this is going to turn things around you’re going to be very disappointed in a week or two after the novelty wears off.

Here’s our problem: we go to work at a job we can’t stand, and then, as Will Rogers so eloquently put it, “we spend money we don’t have, on things we don’t need, to impress people we don’t like.” All because we believe it will make us happy. Sound like anyone you know? Remember, no one is pointing a gun at your head telling you where you have to work, what car you have to drive, what house you have to live in, or what clothes you have to wear. Somehow we convince ourselves that if everything appears wonderful from the outside that everything will be peachy on the inside, but rarely does it work out that way, and we spend tons of energy trying to keep up appearances for people who couldn’t care less about our lives anyway. Like everyone else--they’re worried about their own lives!!

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.
~Bob Dylan




That quote always keeps things in perspective for me. I have bad days like everyone else, and I have experience working at jobs that clearly weren’t right for me, but I’ve vowed never again to get into a field of endeavor that doesn’t truly inspire me and make me excited to get up in the morning. What’s the point? The first excuse that people come up with is that they are “doing it for the kids.” I understand that you have to pay the bills, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a martyr. The most important thing children need is an example of how to live, and no one can provide that example better than the parents. If you are sacrificing your own happiness for your kids, they will grow up believing that they must do the same—even if you tell them differently. Kids are much more likely to do what you do then do what you say.


When I’m making a big life decision I always try to ask myself “will this bring more happiness to me and the people I love?” If not, I know it’s not for me. It might be tempting for you to take the job that pays a little more, or buy the house or car that costs a little more, but is this really going to bring you more love and happiness? And if not, is it really worth it? Again, there’s nothing wrong with buying things you can afford, but it’s important to be honest with yourself about why you are buying them in the first place. Will they make your life better, or will they give you more headaches and stress while appearing to make you look more successful? As someone who has dealt with anxiety their entire life, I’ve added “lack of stress” to the list of things that I strive for, and trust me, it’s damn near the top of the list.


I like to think that we are reaching a critical mass in this country where people are starting to understand that “more stuff” does not equal more joy. I know that we understand it on an intellectual level (as was evidenced by the Facebook poll), but I think that understanding means putting it into practice. As a country we’ve always viewed love and happiness as something that aren’t visible like a car or a house—so why bother with them? But isn’t it true that these things really are visible? Rich or poor, people can subconsciously pick up on your level of joy--or your misery. You can’t hide it; you radiate it as soon as you enter a room. Remember that no one can define your success but you, and you are only as successful as you feel. Make love and happiness your first priority because they are your greatest assets. No one can be a success without them--or a failure with them.

Does positive thinking (or “The Secret”) really work?

One of the most famous self-help books of all time is Norman Vincent Peale’s “The Power of Positive Thinking.” Norman was a man way ahead of his time, and the release of his landmark book in 1952 is really what put the term “positive thinking” on the map. While it was received very well, and still is to this day, it is not without it’s critics. There are some people who scoff at the idea that positive thinking actually works. How can something as formless and seemingly insignificant as a “thought” actually impact our lives? I’ve heard many critics say things like “I’ve tried positive thinking and it doesn’t work. I wind up with the same crap I always get.” Sound familiar?

With the recent disaster in Japan and the massive loss of life following the earthquake and subsequent tsunami, I’ve heard even more skepticism regarding positive thinking. To some, positive thinking seems laughable in the face of tragedy, and does nothing to explain the deaths of so many innocent people. “Certainly some of the casualties must have been positive thinkers, right? What good did it do them?
Why should I think positive when I can be struck by lightning, hit by a car, or have a heart attack and drop dead?” I’m certainly not wise enough to explain why all of life’s events happen when they do, and I know for a fact that positive thinking won’t eliminate every obstacle. But what I also know is that positive thinking is better than complaining, being proactive is better than doing nothing, and focusing on a solution is a lot more productive than focusing on the problem.
I find it peculiar that people are using Japan as an example that positive thinking is futile, when Japan might be the best example in the history of the world that it actually works. Historically speaking, it was not that long ago that Japan was decimated by two atomic bombs. Nagasaki and Hiroshima were all but completely destroyed, tens of thousands lost their lives, and the rest of the nation was forced to clean up the rubble, mourn the loss of their loved ones and deal with the aftermath. In the years to come, all Japan did was rebuild their cities, rebuild their culture, and rebuild their lives. A country whose “Made in Japan” label that was once synonymous with shoddy workmanship became a global leader in automobile, computer, and electronics technology. They established themselves as an American ally, a world power, and a tourist haven in a very short period of time following WWII, and until the recent events remained as strong. So I ask you this: was it positive thinking and pro-activity that rebuilt Japan, or was it inactivity and complaining—and which one do you think they’ll rely on now?


You might even agree that action is what rebuilt Japan--but still be wondering “what the heck does that has to do with positive thinking?” Well, since every action is preceded by a thought, it has everything to do with it. In fact, here is something easy to remember that puts the importance of thought into perspective:



Your thoughts become your emotions, your emotions become your actions, and your actions become your results.

thoughts>emotions>actions>results

If this still isn’t clicking for you, here’s one of my favorite analogies. I call it “The Tree.” (pretty creative, huh?) Think of your thoughts as the root of the tree. They need to be strong, healthy and positive to be the tree’s foundation. Your thoughts become your emotions, much like the roots of the tree become the trunk of the tree. Moving up the tree, the trunk begins to branch out, just like your emotions become definite actions. At the end of these branches, or actions, you will find the fruits--otherwise known as your results. To sum it up, if you want good fruits (results) it all starts with good roots (thoughts). Make sense?



So what about “The Secret?”

In recent years much has been made about “The Law of Attraction,” a term that was made popular by the book and DVD “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne, who interviewed a number of notable positive thinkers and people in the self help field to compile the book. Simply put, the Law of Attraction (which is what “the secret” is) states that “what you think about you bring about,” and that your life is just the product of your thoughts. After a panel of contributors to the book and DVD were interviewed on Oprah, it became a best selling phenomenon overnight--and as you can imagine, also gained it’s fair share of detractors. Critics were quick to point out that if you could just “think your way to success” then everyone would do it, and that this gives people false hope. Among other things, critics took issue with the story of a female cancer patient whose cancer miraculously disappeared; something that she credited to a regimen of positive thinking and uplifting activities. Again they argued that this is not reality, and that people shouldn’t be told they can just “think” themselves into curing a terminal disease.


Personally, I enjoyed “The Secret,” but I can see both sides of the argument. I can see why “The Secret” has its critics because of the marketing that went along with it. Some enthusiasts watched (or read) it and determined that they could just picture a bag of money and it would magically appear in their lap. Legions of people, upon the book’s suggestion, created vision boards—cutting out pictures of their wildest dreams from magazines and posting them on the wall—only to be deeply disappointed when none of these things seemed to materialize. Visualization can be a powerful tool, and is commonly used by professional and Olympic athletes, it’s just that most people are overlooking the most important part of the equation: action. “The Secret” specifically states that you need to take inspired action if you want your goals to come to fruition--something that proponents and critics alike seem to have conveniently forgotten. So let me repeat that…YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION!

In regards to the cancer patient, I didn’t feel like the book claimed that “everyone” with cancer could just spontaneously cure themselves. It seemed they were just giving an example of someone who believed that positive thinking and positive feeling helped their situation. In addition, it is common practice for doctors to recommend uplifting activities to cancer patients like watching funny movies or going to see a comedian. Laughter, and a general state of happiness, has been proven to boost the immune system, therefore prolonging and increasing the quality of life.
Say what you want about feeling good, but don’t call it quackery. The mind’s connection to the body is undeniable, and we are just now scratching the surface of what this might imply.


I would recommend watching or reading “The Secret” to anyone, but I would also recommend using your own common sense when doing so. You have to keep in mind that it’s a compilation of information coming from different perspectives, and not everything that is said might resonate with you. There is no doubt that it is designed to grab your attention, and it does make some grand claims, but if you can sift through the rhetoric and pay attention to what grabs you, you might find some gems of information. One of the most important things I got from watching it is something else that is often overlooked: what you think is not nearly as important as how you feel.


Thinking vs. Feeling

Referring back to the “thoughts>emotions>actions>results” example, we can see that thoughts are an important part of the equation, but ultimately it is our EMOTIONS that lead us action. In other words, you can drive yourself crazy trying to think about a positive outcome, but unless you FEEL good in the process you are most likely sabotaging yourself. For example, you might be wanting and wishing for a particular person to take an interest in you, but unless you exude the confidence and feeling that is in alignment with that actually happening, they are most likely to pick up on your vibe (even if it’s subconscious) and tell you to take a hike. This is not to say that every time you feel bad that something bad is going to happen to you, or vice versa--but it is likely to happen more often. Let’s face it, good things seem to happen more frequently to people who give off good vibes, and bad things seem to happen more frequently to people who give off bad vibes. You can argue all you want but the proof is all around.

I don’t know about you, but I have tons of evidence from the past events of my own life that clearly show that I ultimately control the outcome. Sure, my dad was an abusive alcoholic, and I had ZERO to do with that, but what I did have was the choice of how I would let that impact my life. I could feel sorry for myself, or I could choose to learn from his mistakes and save myself a lot of time and trouble. Thinking, feeling, and acting positive don’t always make things go how you want them to go—but they sure as hell work a lot better than doing the opposite. You don’t have to take my word for it, just use your own common sense. In the words of Darth Vader, “Search your feelings, you know it to be true.”

There’s another simple but effective equation that I’d like to share. I got this from “The Success Principles” by Jack Canfield, a book that I HIGHLY recommend. It’s simple, easy, and sums up the whole point of this blog: E+R=O.


This stands for: Event+Response=Outcome.

We tend to believe that it’s the outside events that create our lives, when in actuality it is our response to those events that create our outcomes. We can’t control everything that happens to us but we can ALWAYS decide how we are going to react. This is our point of power, and this is a beautiful thing. It means that while you can’t control the waves and the wind that you are still the captain of the ship, and whether you wind up in a tropical port or hitting the rocks--it is up to you. Let your thoughts steer you in the right direction. It will make the journey, as well as the final destination, much more enjoyable.

"Murphy’s Law" is a big, fat lie!

We all know what Murphy’s Law states, “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.” We hear it all the time on TV, on the internet, from co-workers, bosses, friends and family. It’s another saying like “Thank God It’s Friday” that seems harmless enough, but upon closer examination (which I highly recommend for all seemingly harmless sayings) it’s obvious that it’s complete crap.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong? Really?


When I’m walking down the street, I could fall and break my femur, I could get attacked by a rabid squirrel, or I could get hit by a bus—but how often do these things actually happen? Rarely, and that’s an understatement. If you really think about it, there is an infinite amount of things that actually could go wrong, but a very tiny percentage do. This led me to do some extensive research (aka Google) on this Murphy character and how they arrived at their brilliant deduction. The answer wasn’t anything that I expected. Here’s what I found:

Arthur Bloch, in his 1977 book "Murphy's Law, and Other Reasons Why Things Go WRONG", prints a letter that he received from George E. Nichols who recalls the event that occurred in 1949 at Edwards Air Force Base, Muroc, California that, according to him, is the origination of Murphy's Law. An excerpt from the letter reads:

“...The Law's namesake was Capt. Ed Murphy, a development engineer from Wright Field Aircraft Lab. Frustration with a strap transducer which was malfunctioning due to an error in wiring the strain gage bridges caused him to remark - "If there is any way to do it wrong, he will" - referring to the technician who had wired the bridges at the Lab.”

So there you have it. We’ve somehow managed to transform the good Capt. Murphy’s insult of one of his bumbling technicians into a “law” that states that anything that can go wrong will, and by golly, there’s not a damn thing we can do about it! This is a shining example of why it’s so important to examine our speech—the history, meaning, and origins. We often take these sayings at face value and assume that some brilliant, bearded psychologist from antiquity must have worked painstakingly through arduous days and candle lit nights, pouring over volumes of research dictated onto parchment paper with a feather pen, before finally exclaiming, “Eureka! I’ve got it! Anything that can go wrong—will!” But alas, the real truth is that some dude just thought his tech was a dip$#*!

Now that I’ve exposed Murphy’s Law for the complete BS that it is, this should be a life transforming day for you. Tell your wife that you’d like to go ahead and build that addition on to your house that you’ve been talking about, and do it all yourself! Who cares if you have trouble hanging a picture and you once failed 9^th grade Shop class? After all, what could go wrong? On second thought, it’s usually better to let the pendulum settle somewhere in the middle before swinging it violently to the other side. We’ve just now discovered that Murphy’s Law holds no water, and much like coming to grips with the Earth being round, it’s going to take some time to get used to.




I have my own “law” that I follow and I am more than happy to share it with you—it’s called “Tieffy’s Law.” It simply states, “It’s going to work because I’m going to make it work—dammit!” It’s not always pretty, it’s not always exact, and it rarely follows the original plan as originally constructed. But one way or another, the end result is going to be something I’m satisfied with or by golly--I’m not finished yet! Life rarely works out exactly how we want it to, but there are greater forces working for us than against us. Keep on moving, make adjustments on the fly, and don’t let the details drive you crazy. You will be victorious in the end, and you might even discover that everything that could have gone right—did.

Why You Should Love Your Critics

I grew up as “the fat kid.” I’m sure some people saw me as more than that (like my mom), but that’s how I saw myself. From the time I was 8 years old until my senior year in high school I was obese. I’ve had my share of tough moments in my life, but growing up fat was the most difficult—hands down. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Every day I would dread going to school knowing that it was only a matter of time before one of my adorable schoolmates referred to me as fat boy, tub o’ lard, porky pig, or the ever popular “fat ass.”

Though I’m not completely sure why I started to gain weight at age 8, it just happened to coincide with my alcoholic father having an affair, and my parent’s subsequent divorce. It doesn’t take a clinical psychologist to piece together what was going on with me at the time: fear of abandonment, instability, breakdown of the family unit, comfort through eating, yada yada--you get the picture. My mom was also forced to work two jobs to support my older sister and I, so I was like a fat McCauley Culkin. Home alone and eating everything in sight.

The first thing that being an obese child does, aside from obliterating your self esteem, is that it gives you an intense fear of criticism. You sort of feel like an open wound walking around just waiting for someone to come up and dump more salt on you. The reason that an eating addiction can be more difficult to deal with than other addictions (like drinking, smoking, gambling, drugs) is because it’s the one addiction that you can’t hide. You could have a severe drinking problem, but if you’re just stopping by Super Fresh for groceries, who would know? To the contrary, everyone knows when you have an eating problem. No matter how many times you’ve fantasized about it, you can’t escape your own body.


From an early age I tried to avoid criticism at all costs, and while it was impossible to avoid completely, I did develop numerous strategies to dodge the barrage of insults. Taking a page from the “if you can’t beat em, join em” book, I started to deflect some of their taunts by picking fun at myself before they would have a chance to. This diffused most of the negative energy directed my way, and took some of their fun out of teasing me, but it did nothing for my own self-esteem. It’s one thing to let people insult you, but believing what they say and reaffirming it yourself over and over again is like carving your fate in stone. Sooner or later we all become exactly what we think we are.

Fortunately for me, I lost a lot of weight between my junior and senior years in high school. This greatly improved my self-esteem, but a lot of damage had been done. I still found it difficult to speak my mind for fear of “rocking the boat,” and I tried to avoid situations that caused conflict. At the same time, I had the growing urge to be a singer, songwriter, and performer. As I’m sure you can imagine, this is the wrong field to go into if you are afraid of criticism. In fact, you have to be prepared to take much more than the average person, because wherever there is art, there are critics. Ultimately, criticism will play a huge role in determining your level of success; though it is not the criticism itself but how you choose to process it that becomes the determining factor.



The first year or two in Laughing Colors (my rock band) were sort of a drunken bliss for me. We played a few times a week, surrounded by a group of friends who always told us how great we were--insulated from the opinion of the masses. As we grew in popularity I noticed a strange thing starting to occur: the more people liked us, the more people thought we sucked. How could this be? In my mind we kept getting better and better, and the crowds that came to see us were growing exponentially—so where was this hostility coming from? This was one of my first lessons on criticism: the level of criticism you are experiencing is usually in direct proportion to the amount of success you’re enjoying. Of course there are exceptions, but I’ve seen this little formula work in my life time and time again, and I’ve come to view the periods where I’m receiving very little criticism as a clue that I must not be accomplishing very much.


Don’t misunderstand me. This doesn’t mean that it’s time to saddle up and head out to intentionally piss people off. I still prefer to avoid conflict. I’ve just learned that criticism is a natural bi-product of progress and success, and that when someone says “you’re wrong” or “you suck” then I’m usually on the right track.
Think about it, you don’t need to be a controversial person to attract criticism, all you have to do is open your mouth and speak your mind. If you told a crowd of 100 randomly selected people your inner most thoughts on politics, religion, and the world in general, I bet 75 of them would think you were a complete idiot. You’d be lucky if you got 50 of them to agree with you on any one topic. That’s how much opinions vary, and that’s how easy it is to draw criticism. So the first step to overcoming your fear of criticism is: share your opinion, take some criticism, shake it off and move on. See? That didn’t hurt too much, did it?






I am by no means immune to criticism, nor am I immune to fear. I just don’t let them stop me in my tracks the way I used to. I can still vividly remember Laughing Colors first in-print album review. It was for our second album “What’s So Funny?”, and it was reviewed by the only Maryland music magazine worth reading--Music Monthly. They called us up to let us know it was going to be reviewed in the new issue, so as soon as it came out we ran out to the nearest news stand to see what kind of awesome things they wrote about us. All of my friends from high school thought we were the shit, so conquering the rest of the world was a mere formality, right? Bwahahahahahaha!!!


I’m sure I’ve probably given it away at this point, but our album, our precious new baby, got a scathing review in Music Monthly. I specifically remember them saying that the full length LP had enough decent songs to make “a good EP,” but no more than that. They called some of the songwriting “immature” and said that the entire album was “disjointed” and “directionless.” I was devastated. Not “tragedy in the family” devastated, but definitely in the “my hot girlfriend slept with another guy” range. I mean, who did these people think they were—Rolling f-ing Stone?!!! What right did they have to tell us that our album was “disjointed!?” (Probably the same right they had to tell us we were going to be the next Pearl Jam--which we would have agreed with enthusiastically while calling them geniuses.)


The rest of the band was not happy, but I was fuming. I thought about writing Music Monthly a nasty letter and letting them know exactly how I felt. After careful consideration I determined that writing them a letter would be stupid and petty. Then I got another bright idea: I would write it under an assumed name so they wouldn’t know it was from me! As if that was somehow less stupid and petty. Luckily my reasonable mind prevailed for the time being and I opted not to write them. But I knew the guy who wrote the review, and God help him if he ever showed up to another Laughing Colors show.


I imagined myself up onstage at Hammerjacks in front of a capacity crowd, when I spot him sauntering in through the front door through a haze of cigarette smoke and bobbing mullets. With a sharp wave of my hand the band stops playing on a dime, and the crowd who was just jamming along seconds earlier turns and looks in his direction, as complete silence befalls the room. “Seize him!” I yell while pointing directly at him, and he turns to run out of the club with urine cascading down the front of his stone washed jeans. The mob, who are now somehow equipped with torches, chase him into the parking lot like he’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame, until finally he succumbs to the angry throng. “Who’s disjointed now?” I cackle under my breath.




Fortunately this remained a fantasy. Time went by, and as the sting of being lauded by Music Monthly gradually subsided I learned some great lessons from that review. James Davies (better known as Jimi Haha, the lead singer of Jimmie’s Chicken Shack) was very helpful in his advice by reminding me of the quotation of one Andy Warhol, who said “I don’t read my press, I weigh it.” For an artist this is key. Bad press is one thing, but the death knell is to not be talked about at all. It should be noted that Jimmie’s Chicken Shack received a glowing review of their debut album “Chicken Scratch” in the same issue of Music Monthly. Instead of letting that bother me, I decided that a healthy level of jealousy is great inspiration. I’ve told Jimi on more than one occasion that they made us a much better band by setting the bar higher than we would have done ourselves.


As a band, we didn’t say much about the review to each other, we just went back to work. We were young and hungry and still growing as musicians and songwriters. I remember reading the review over again some months later, but this time from a different perspective. The knee jerk reaction is to get defensive when someone criticizes you, but if you can come from a place of peace and strength and not take it too personally, you might find some golden nuggets of advice. Maybe Music Monthly had some good points? Maybe we needed to mature as songwriters and define our sound and direction. This was about the time that our new drummer, and my hero, Will Dorsey joined the band. Finally Laughing Colors had “a sound,” and everything started to click for us after that.


When we released our next EP “Depth,” Music Monthly loved it--and they gave us an even better review for our follow up LP “The Pattern Seed.” We got a lot more great press from these albums, and to my knowledge, never received a poor review for either one. In retrospect, I look at that first Music Monthly review as very honest and pretty accurate. I don’t think we were so influenced by that one review that it changed how we played, but we definitely took some of the key points to heart. If you try, you can turn almost any criticism into good advice--just rephrase it. If someone calls you immature, maybe it’s time to work on you maturity. If someone calls you directionless, maybe it’s time to get some direction. If the criticism doesn’t fit you, then forget it and move on. Usually criticism stings the most when you know deep down that it’s true. If it’s not, why worry about it?










Today I have learned that any worthwhile undertaking will draw criticism. There’s just no way to avoid it. It would be like going surfing and trying to avoid the waves. Your only choice is to learn how to surf. I’ve also come to see criticism as a sign that good things are on the way—you can’t have spring without the pollen. Sure, it would be great if the whole world loved what we did, said, wrote and sang—but that’s just not possible. As long as I am getting a favorable review from the only critic that really matters (me), then I am no longer “directionless.” Learn to love, embrace, and even thank your critics. They are the first sign of your success.

If you want to smell the roses you have to watch out for the pricks

How to remove the negative people from your life


Jim Rohn once said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Ain’t that the truth. If you’re wallowing in a sea of negativity you should look no further for the cause than the circle of people that you’ve chosen to surround yourself with. The operative word here is “chosen,” because it is always up to you to decide who you spend your time with. If they are upbeat, positive, goal oriented people then you are likely to be the same. If they are perpetually negative, always bitching, Debbie Downer type people then guess what? You are destined to become a little Debbie.


Though most people, if you asked them, would prefer not to surround themselves with negative people, it’s not always that simple. You might not even realize how you got there, you just wake up one morning and realize that the people in your life are draining your positive energy and sucking the life out of you. The question is: how to get rid of them without moving to Guam--or hiring a hit man? If you and I can agree that these are not viable options then I will begin.


Let’s look at the three main groups of people you spend your time with: co-workers, friends, and family. We’ll start with your CO-WORKERS. Whether it’s a nasty boss, someone higher up in the company that treats you like a slave, or just an annoying peer, the negative vibe you get from this person must me minimized. The first thing you should ask yourself in this situation is “what can I do here to make my life easier?” This gives you the power to act and puts the ball in your court, instead of sitting around worrying about what someone else might do. Here’s your plan of action:

-If you can do your job effectively without this person around then stay away from them. If confrontation isn’t necessary, avoid it. Make yourself scarce.

-If you need to interact with them occasionally then go into it with a positive attitude. Over time, this will tend to neutralize their negativity.

-If you must work with this person on a daily basis and you can’t take their attitude anymore, you’re going to have to address it. Tell them that your working relationship (as well as your work) could greatly improve if you clear the air and come to a mutual respect and understanding.

-If all of this fails, get a new job. Life is too precious and brief to spend the bulk of it being miserable.



***But what if you’re the boss and you’re dealing with negative employees? Easy. Fire them. Okay? Moving on…


The next group is your FRIENDS. This might sound a bit tricky because, after all, they’re your friends. Let’s make this clear: eliminating negative people from your life does not mean giving up on your friends when they’re going through a rough time or when they ask you to help them solve a problem. To the contrary, this is when we need our friends the most. It’s also not your job to tell your friend all the ways that they might be dragging you down, while you are striving to better yourself and “get rid of the drama.” This will only cause resentment, and will probably make you an enemy, and this is NOT YOUR GOAL. Your goal is to make your own life easier, and pissing off your friends isn’t the way to do it. Try to resist judgment, and realize that you and your friend may just be on different wavelengths temporarily, and it doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. If it’s ever to return to a healthy friendship, you both might need to step back and take some personal inventory.

Let me share an example of what happened to me. Back in my drinking and drugging days it became readily apparent that I would have to change the people, places, and things in my life if I was ever going to straighten out. The scariest part was leaving my friends behind because most of them were great people. It just wasn’t healthy for me to be surrounded by the partying crowd anymore. The thought of being without my friends was my biggest obstacle to getting sober—but something amazing happened. Yes, some of my friends disappeared from my life and we’ve barely spoken since. But my real friends, the friends that loved me for more than just my drinking and drugging have stayed by me to this day, and we have a much stronger friendship because of it.


-If you’re very close to this friend then your friendship should be strong enough to discuss the issue. If you feel like the negativity is getting to be too much but you still want this person in your life—you need to communicate. Listen to them and they will listen to you.

-If this person is a friend but not someone you see all the time, you may just have to be less available. It’s your call whether to bring up the issue or just stay away. It depends on how much you care about this person.

-Finally, if it’s an acquaintance or a “friend of a friend” that’s driving you nuts—remove them from your life completely. Again, this does not require a lot of fan fare. Explaining to everyone how you can’t stand this person will only make you look petty. Just stop going where they go and being where they are. It’s that simple.




Now, the toughest one for most people—your FAMILY. We all know that “you can choose your friends but not your family.” Family issues can be very painful, and the thought of being tied to this person for eternity can be depressing. If you feel like someone in your family is bringing you down it still may be impossible to completely remove this person from your life, but generally, the same rules apply here that apply to co-workers and friends:

-If it’s someone of great importance to you, communicate your feelings. Put it all out on the table so at least they know how you feel. Only then can you figure out a way to move forward. You have to stop the bleeding before the wound can heal.

-If it’s someone you see occasionally, bring it up or make yourself scarce. This is your judgment call. If you think communication will make it better, talk to this person honestly. If it’s not worth the trouble, make like Jimmy Hoffa and vanish.

-If it’s someone that you hardly see then decide to make the most of it, or decide not to see them at all. Don’t make a mental monster out of it, just make a decision and move on.


Last but not least I would like to share my favorite method for eliminating the negativity in your life: start hanging around positive, motivated, healthy, loving, successful people! People that you admire, people that you could learn from, people that inspire you and people that are doing what you want to do. Usually the best way to eliminate something is to add the opposite, so to eliminate the negative just fill yourself up with the positive—it’s like magic. There will be no room left in your life for negativity.

Focusing on what you want instead of want you don’t want is always the way to go. It’s much better to focus on being fit instead of “not being fat,” much better to think about being prosperous than “not being poor,” and better to see yourself surrounded by positive people instead of just eliminating all the negative ones. You’ll notice that the more you focus on positive things in your life that the bad stuff just seems to fall away. Focus on being happy and everything you are grateful for, and in no time you’ll be surrounded by people who feel the same way. It works every time.

Valentine’s vs St Patrick’s: why love is always better than a DWI

Last week I blogged about how lame it is that Monday gets a bad rap and Friday gets all the kudos. I know that many people are just as cynical about Valentine’s Day, but I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be that way. I often hear things like “It’s a commercial holiday created by the card companies!” or “I don’t need to buy chocolate and hearts to prove my love!” Okay, I get it. But is there really a need to have such disdain for a holiday that celebrates love? Have we become that jaded?


Maybe you’re thinking, “of course you like Valentine’s Day Dave, you’re married!” That’s true, but I haven’t been married my whole life, and I’ve spent quite a few Valentine’s Days alone. There’s just a huge difference between being alone and being “lonely.” Also, I know lots of single people who have a better attitude toward Valentine’s Day than their coupled counterparts, so it’s not just about “being with someone.” It’s all about what you make it.


Contrary to popular belief, Valentine’s Day was not invented by Hershey’s or Hallmark to drive guilt into your soul and empty your wallet. It’s been around since the 5^th century, long before anyone even heard of a greeting card. It’s only now, in the 21^st century, that we choose to dis our holidays like Christmas, Halloween and Valentine’s Day and blame it all on that old devil commercialism. If you don’t celebrate them that’s fine, but does resenting them serve any real purpose? I think we both know the answer to that.


Now let’s examine St. Patrick’s Day. It’s funny how you never hear people accusing Guiness, Budweiser, or their local pubs of commercialism. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy St Patty’s Day because, even as a non-drinker, I revel in the upbeat mood of the day; not to mention the fact that I’m part Irish. But let’s face it, it’s a holiday that’s centered around getting drunk and…well, that’s about it. Oh yea, I almost forgot, if you’re getting hammered you should also be wearing green somewhere on your person. Maybe it’s about luck too? This is fitting, because in most cases you will need the “luck of the Irish” to drive home without getting pulled over or hitting an Oak tree.







Again, I really enjoy St.Patricks Day (especially when people who have been drinking since 10am trip over my microphone stand and spit green beer in my face with their nasty corned beef and cabbage breath while requesting Irish drinking songs…but I digress), I’m just pointing out the fact that we seem to be much more welcoming to a holiday that celebrates getting wasted than a holiday that celebrates love. Anyone else see that as a red flag?


At the end of the day ALL holidays are exactly what you make them, and if they anger or upset you in any way then it’s time to do some personal inventory. It’s not indicative of the holiday or the companies that profit from them, it’s a reflection on you. Hallmark and Hershey’s aren’t holding a gun to your head and making you buy anything, so you are always free to choose how much you celebrate the holiday. If you choose not to celebrate the holiday, that’s fine too, but why not just feel happy for the people that do?



Happy Valentine’s Day and Happy St Patrick’s day to all of you! I hope you enjoy these grade B holidays and make the most out of them--whether you’re in love, or just sh*t faced!

TGIF? WTF!?

“Thank God it’s Friday!” It’s a saying that is so entrenched into our popular culture that they even named a freaking restaurant after it! When you hear it, you have probably been conditioned to feel all googly inside just thinking about the weekend and all the wonderful, magical things you’ll do. You have suffered through a horrible Monday, you made it past hump day, you struggled on Thursday but you finally arrived at your destination: Friday! Yippee! These four words may seem completely harmless, but let me prove to you what a harmful statement TGIF can be:


First of all, “TGIF” implies that you’ve suffered all week long. Let’s be honest, the look on someone’s face when they say “Thank God it’s Friday” is usually one of tortured relief. It also indicates that the rest of your week was just a means to an end, and that the other four weekdays are nothing but a treacherous obstacle course on your way to Friday. It also implies that the day at the opposite end of the spectrum is miserable: Monday. By saying “TGIF” you start every Monday with the attitude that this day is going to suck--no matter what you do. (You even start wallowing in how bad it’s going be on Sunday night!) But even when your beloved “ TGIF” comes around again, that only gives you 48 hours until you must suffer the drudgery of Monday once more, and the endless cycle repeats itself week after week, month after month, year after year.

Let’s examine this a little closer: the reason Monday is perceived as the worst day of the week is only because it’s the first day of the work week. By itself, Monday is nothing to be frightened of. It’s not the boogey man, it doesn’t have claws or gnashing teeth; nor does it have any more hours in it than any other day of the week. The only strike Monday might have against it is that you need to play catch up because you were busy Friday daydreaming about your totally rad weekend and ignoring your work while running around exclaiming “TGIF!!” to everyone you meet. Why should Monday get a bad rap just because Friday decides to put off all the important sh*t!!?


“TGIF” is the battle cry for the boring and the repetitive. It’s a clear indication that you’ve chosen to be a passenger in life and not the driver. If you feel like being stuck on an endless treadmill of unfulfilled dreams, looking forward to one measly day a week, and repeating this process every seven days then you should make it your mantra. Otherwise, change your thoughts immediately about how you see each day, because each day has an equal opportunity to be the best day of your life. Somehow we have conditioned ourselves to feel and act differently depending on what day of the week it is. If this was serving us, I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but in most cases it isn’t.

Why can’t a Monday be just as good as a Friday? If you make a commitment to turning the days that you don’t like into days that you love, it just may turn your whole life around. Think about your least favorite day of the week. Do something to ease the pain on that day to change how you feel about it. If you can’t make your workload any lighter or your day any easier, reward yourself at the end of the day for a job well done, and do that every week. Treat yourself to a nice meal, a good workout, a long meditation or a massage. This will quickly change your dread to joy when that day approaches.

Now imagine this for a second if you can: there are no days of the week. No beginning, no end, no weekdays or weekends. Everyone works different days depending on their job, (which is increasingly prevalent by the way) and no day feels better or worse than the last. Days are numbered but not named. Does that change at all the way you would see your days? Hopefully it does, though I’m sure some yahoo will still say “Thank God it’s #7!”

I’ve created a list of some more popular but destructive quips that are ingrained into our daily dialogue. There are many more, but these are some of the most common. I’ve also added an alternative to each of these sayings. Feel the difference in your attitude when you repeat the latter instead of the former:


“Thank God it’s Friday!”
“Thank God for today!”
(Be glad you woke up breathing, not everyone did)

“That’s just my luck.”
“I make great things happen!”
(Yes, I believe in luck. I believe that we make our own)

“I’m my own worst critic.”
“I am my own best coach.”
(If you’re not a fan of you, who will be?)



“Life’s a bitch and then you die.”
“Life is magnificent!”
It’s a miracle that you’re here. You better recognize.


“Whoever dies with the most toys wins.”
“Whoever lives with the most joy wins!”
Forbes should have a list of the Top 500 Happiest people.

“I expect the worst to happen, that way, when something good happens—it’s a surprise!”
“I expect great things to happen, and on the rare occasion that they don’t, I ask myself “what can I learn from this?”
Did Michael Jordan expect the worst to happen? Does Tom Brady? Do Olympic athletes?
They expect to win. It doesn’t mean that they always do, but they do A LOT more often than not.

“When I’m not at work, I don’t even think about it.”
“I’m always thinking about ways to improve my talents!”
Being you is a 24-7 job, and there are ALWAYS ways to improve yourself. Make it a hobby.

“…Must be nice.”
“Good for you!”
Being truly happy for someone else is one of the greatest joys there is.

“We need to help our own before we help anyone else.”
“We can help others while helping ourselves.”
We’ll never be perfect. Should this mean we can’t help others until we are?


You might think I’m splitting hairs here, but one look at my head will tell you that I’m ill equipped to do that. What we tell ourselves about our lives becomes our reality. If we don’t closely examine what we say on a daily basis and observe how it impacts us we will keep repeating the same mistakes. So enjoy this Friday, but don’t make Monday the red-headed step child of the week. The amount of joy you have on any give day, month, year, or lifetime is not pre-determined. At any given moment it is up to you to take control and decide to make the day a good one. Stop believing that someone else is behind the curtain making it all happen. Who knows, the day might be right around the corner when we can discuss how joyously prosperous you’ve become over appetizers at “TGI Mondays?” I’m buying.

Do You Need A Good Kick in the Ask?

Do You Need A Good Kick in the Ask?


The purpose of this particular blog is to get you to fully understand the simple yet indomitable power of asking questions. It will also demonstrate that the most important questions that we can ask are those that we ask ourselves. The human brain is the world’s greatest super computer, capable of conquering wondrous feats, and it’s programmed to start working immediately on any task we give it. If we keep a certain question in mind, it is tediously striving towards an answer. The problem with most of us is that we either ask the wrong question, we give up on the question, or we don’t ask at all. Inevitably, the results of our life become a stark reflection of this habit.

So what is a good question you ask? Good question. And here is the answer: ask questions that will lead you to an answer that promotes personal progress. Usually these are “what if” or “how,” questions. For example: “How can I eat better?” or “What if I invested $100 a month?” You may have already noticed that your brain is coming up with answers to these questions, and right this very minute you’re imagining eating well and counting your extensive earnings. If so, you have just experienced the genius of asking empowering questions.

The trick is to stay away from disempowering questions. These are questions that usually (but not always) begin with the word “why.” Most people are constantly asking themselves subconscious questions like “Why am I fat?” or “Why am I broke?” The brain is more than happy to oblige them with an answer, but unfortunately those answers will sound something like “because you’re lazy” and “because you’re stupid.” If you are not enlightened or empowered by the answer to your question, you’ll know right away you are on the wrong track. Try asking it again, but phrasing it differently, until you get an answer that inspires and uplifts you.

This is not to say that all “why” questions are bad, and that all “what if” questions are good. You could ask yourself, “why is my spouse so freakin’ awesome!?” and hopefully you will be flooded with positive answers. That would be a good example of a “why” question that leads to sublime answers. If you’d like to take a moment and share your answers with your spouse you may get some major brownie points in the process. In this case, you are not only asking great questions, but you are using the answers to better your life and the lives of your loved ones, and that’s where the real power lies.

Conversely, let’s say you are headed to a job interview, and you’re feeling nervous about the outcome. You may ask yourself something like “what if I screw this up and say the wrong thing?” This is a bad example of a “what if” question, one that will lead you to negative answers, disempowering thoughts, and a lack of confidence. The true test of a good question is how it makes you feel when you get the answer. If it inspires and uplifts you, congratulate yourself, you have asked an excellent question.

Becoming more conscious of the questions that you ask yourself is a huge step in the right direction. Most of our questions are asked subconsciously, and therefore they are answered in the same way--without thinking! If you will take notice of some of the questions you’ve been asking yourself, that’s the quickest way to develop some new liberating habits. Good questions unlock the secret doors to all that we truly want in life, and they make you aware of the personal power that you’ve always had. All you’ve ever had to do was ask!

Most of us walk around all day on auto-pilot, thinking that life just happens to us and that we have very little control of our outcomes. This is simply not true. Ultimately we are the architects of our own lives. We need to engage our brains and let them do the job they were designed to do. We all have a super computer at our disposal, locked safely in our heads, just begging to be put into action. It’s a shame that so many of us go through life with just the screen saver up.

When you were a small child you probably had no problem asking questions. You lived in a big world of magic, mystery and endless possibilities, and you wanted to know the answers to your biggest questions. Each answer brought you mental growth and expansion, and you realized that there is true power in asking, with no question being too small or too large. As we get older, the fear of looking foolish or appearing ignorant is usually enough to stop us from asking the truly grand questions.

As adults, we may chuckle at the questions asked children. For example, a friend of mine has a three year old daughter who casually asked, “Mommy, who is God’s daddy?” As funny as that sounds, that is a great example of a colossal question, and who besides a small child would have enough guts to ask it? We could all learn something by listening to children, and chipping away at the years of our own negative conditioning by asking questions that will stretch our minds and our lives. I don’t think anyone knows who God’s daddy is, but we could certainly expand our minds just contemplating it for a minute.

Asking big questions is nothing new, and history is filled with famous men and women who started by asking questions. Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison owe their greatest achievements to the simple art of asking questions. Sometimes their answers would lead to hundreds or even thousands of other questions, but each time they got an answer, they moved one step closer to achieving something miraculous. They had both mastered the skill of asking great questions and receiving great answers.

I don't believe that anyone is a genius, but I believe we can access genius by asking questions. We have the same access to the field of intelligence that Einstein and Edison had, we just need to be as determined and persistent as they were. Not an easy feat, but it should be comforting to know that you don't have to be born a genius to get genius results--just start asking genius questions. The more questions you ask the better your questions will be, and the answers you receive will begin to blow your mind!

Here's one of my favorite questions, try it for yourself: what would I do with my life if money were no object?



Did you get a little rush? A hint of excitement? A little twinge of enthusiasm?

Here is a short list of empowering questions to ask yourself:

1) What am I most passionate about?

2) How could I make it my profession?

3) How can I best contribute to the planet while I’m here?

4) What is standing in my way?

5) How can I overcome this obstacle?

6) How do I want to be remembered?

7) What are my values?

8) Who are my heroes? How can I be more like them?

9) What makes me the happiest?

10) What is my full potential?

Now ask this:

11)How can I get started?

The Football Fan’s Guide to Inner Peace

“If your biggest worry is a football game, that’s a pretty good indication that there’s not much left in your life to bitch about.”


I’ve had anxiety my entire life, or at least as long as I can remember. I used to get random stomachaches as a grade school kid that my parents and doctor had no explanation for. It’s only now, at age 40, that I am able to look back and see that it was anxiety. This eventually lead to overeating, smoking, alcohol and drug abuse. The root cause of this anxiety is something that I’m still trying to piece together, but throughout the years the one constant source of heightened stress that I can easily point the finger at is sports--and more specifically…FOOTBALL.

Just so we’re clear on this, it has nothing to do with me actually playing sports, oh no. It has much more to do with my mindless dedication as a red blooded, true blue, all American sports fan—and the agony of defeat that goes with it. It may have all started on October 17th 1979 when, as a bright eyed nine year old, my beloved Baltimore Orioles took a 3 games to 1 lead over the “We Are Family” Pittsburgh Pirates, only to blow it in 7 games and break my little prepubescent heart in the process. The devastation was compounded on March 29th 1984, when team owner, and raving lunatic, Robert Irsay packed up my Baltimore Colts in the middle of one snowy night, and, with his tail between his cowardly legs, moved them out to Indianapolis. Some kids are scared of clowns. I grew up scared of Mayflower trucks and Sister Sledge.


Luckily for me, and the rest of Baltimore, a knight in shining armor arrived just in time—Cal Ripken Jr. He won rookie of the year in 1982, and then was awarded the American League’s Most Valuable Player award while leading the Orioles to a World Championship in 1983. It seemed that brighter days were ahead, and even without a football team, Baltimore was undaunted. We knew the World Series rings would start piling up, and that we could look forward to a decade or two of dominance in major league baseball—or at least that’s what we thought. 20 years later Cal would retire as baseball’s Iron Man and a hero to any local kid that grew up during his career—but as for more rings? No joy in Mudville.









Then in the late 90s, at roughly the same time the Orioles suffered two painful playoff defeats at the hands of the Indians and the Yankees--a miracle happened! Football was returning to Baltimore, and the Ravens (formerly the Cleveland Browns) were on their way! Now, one might wonder how we could rejoice so fervently when Cleveland’s team was being taken from them and it had just happened to us a few years earlier. I think I can safely speak for all Baltimore fans in saying that we felt for them, but we also felt confident that a team would return to Cleveland, and that the long and storied history of the Browns would be restored to it’s original state. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing I’ll leave up to Cleveland fans to decide.


Then a bigger miracle happened: In the year 2000, in only their fourth year of existence, the Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl! For the first time in 17 years the city had a world champion, and once again the streets were filled with pride for a championship parade. Surely this would mark the beginning of a new era of Baltimore dominance in major sports, making cities like New York, Boston, and Pittsburgh green with envy over Charm City’s mighty regime. Uh…not so fast Hon. The only thing it’s marked the beginning of is a new level of anxiety for me, one that I never knew existed. It’s made me take a deep, hard look at myself--but in the process, I’ve uncovered some amazing answers to some very tough questions. The two most notable being “why the f*** do I do this to myself every season!?” and “where the f*** does it end!?” The answers may surprise you. J


First, let me add that I am by no means an ungrateful Baltimore fan. To the contrary, I realize how lucky I am to have experienced 3 major championships in my lifetime when there are plenty of fans in America who have never experienced their team winning it all. (What was the third championship, you ask? The Baltimore Colts defeated the Dallas Cowboys 16-13 to win Super Bowl V when I was 7 months old. I’ll never forget it.) My heart goes out to Chicago Cubs fans, Buffalo Bills fans, Detroit Lions fans, and even Cleveland Browns fans. I can’t even begin to imagine what this must be like. I can only surmise that a little piece of you dies every year when it becomes obvious (halfway through the season) that yet another year will go by without a world championship. But maybe, just maybe, you don’t have it so bad. Let me explain:


What causes sports anxiety? Is it losing? Nope, can’t be. How do I know this?
Because if losing were the main cause of sports anxiety, every last Oriole fan, myself included, would have dropped dead over the last 10 years of a massive coronary. So what is the cause? In a word: expectations. The more we expect our team to win and the more they don’t, the higher our levels of damaging stress and anxiety. To prove this, I did a clinical study on 100 of my closest Redskin fan friends. I concluded that if Daniel Snyder doesn’t do something quickly, then his health, and the health and of the entire Redskin nation is in jeopardy--albeit for two different reasons.


For me, writing this blog comes on the heels of a gut wrenching defeat of the Ravens by our most hated rival, the Pittsburgh Steelers. In fact, this blog was inspired by this defeat. We watched with joy as our Ravens took a commanding 21-7 halftime lead, only to acquiesce to the Steelers (a polite way of saying “sh*t the bed”) in the second half and lose the game 31-24. To make matters worse, it’s the second time in three years the Ravens have been eliminated from the playoffs by the Steelers--while a year ago we were eliminated by the (almost-as-hated) Indianapolis Colts. I compare the last three football seasons to getting repeatedly run over by a Mayflower truck while being forced to listen to Sister Sledge on my Ipod.


Again, most teams would be happy just to make the playoffs so I really can’t complain, but this drives home the fact that “expectations” are the main cause of sports anxiety. In other words, if you don’t get your hopes up, they can’t be dashed on the rocks of despair. There’s the rub. What makes being a sports fan so much fun is putting yourself out there, talking trash, and making your team an extension of everything that you are. You buy the bumper stickers, you buy the tickets, you wear the jersey. They represent you, they embody you—they ARE YOU!! This is a wonderful thing, because these are highly skilled professional athletes who are in top physical condition—while you recently threw out your back bringing in the groceries.


For those of you, like me, who refuse to give up the hope of a championship season, I’ve come up with a guide to help ease some of the tension and anxiety when your team decides to betray you—and trust me, they will. I’ve combined some Western thought with some traditional Eastern philosophies (like the Tao te Ching, Bhagavad Gita and Zen Buddhism) to give you what I call “Wide Right Zen.” “Wide Right” is a tribute to kicker Scott Norwood and his heartbreaking missed field goal that cost the Buffalo Bills a Super Bowl victory. I can’t think of a bigger example of expectations causing sports anxiety (unless of course you consider the Bills lost the next three Super Bowls in a row. Yikes!) Through many years of healing, prayer, and unconditional love, the Bills fans actually learned to forgive Scott Norwood—though they still playfully refer to him as “Nott Scorwood.”



If you’re watching playoff football this weekend, and more importantly, if your favorite team is still in it, you will find this guide very helpful when the game is about to begin:







1) Find a comfortable spot on the floor where you can sit indian style or in the lotus position, as in yoga. With the back of your hands on your knees,
and your palms up, touch your thumb to your middle finger.
(Now, if you are a typical football fan and not very flexible, you may modify this position: simply sit up on the couch and dust the Cheeto crumbs off of your chest.)

2) Close your eyes and inhale deeply.
Conscious breathing is an ancient art form, and revered by those in the Far East. Unlike American football fans who typically view “inhaling” as something you do with Buffalo wings or a pipe made out of a Budweiser can.

3) Exhale and repeat after me: “It’s only a game, it does not define who I am.”
It is very important to keep this in mind as you sit there with your jersey and team colors on, in the TV room painted the same colors, with a tattoo of their logo on your left ass cheek.

4) Enter a state of great relaxation.
If the game is just starting you may have to turn down Dan Dierdorf, whose voice is about as relaxing as the sound of a water buffalo getting boofed.


5) Now, enter a state where pro football has no meaning.
No, not Arkansas. Idiot.

6) See yourself as anxiety free, let all your troubles and worries drift away.
Forget about that $100 bet you made at work with that a**hole in accounting.


7) As kickoff approaches, realize that the outcome of this game has no tangible meaning to you.
At least not if your team covers the spread.


8) Gently open your eyes, and acknowledge how foolish it is—it’s just a game.
Forget about your face paint and the hat your wearing that holds two beer cans.


9) When the game is over, and your team has lost, bless the other team for their hard work and sacrifice, as well as being victorious. This will defuse your anger.
Make sure that your blessing does not include the word “suck” or any other word with a “ck” in it. And finally…


10) Cultivate a deep feeling of gratitude for everything else that life has to offer:
The warmth of the Sun, the gentle Earth, the laughter of a child, the birds and the bees. Would the birds and the bees ever let you down? Never. (Or at least those little bastards wouldn’t blow a 14 point second half lead by turning the ball over 3 freaking times!)

If your favorite team sucks, be grateful. It’s all about expectations. Like I said, the Orioles haven’t caused me any stress since 1997 because I EXPECT them to suck. All Buck Showalter has to do is get them to .500 this year I will do cartwheels down Eutaw Street wearing nothing but a black and orange pickle bender. The Ravens, on the other hand, are killing me. I’ve come to expect them to be good, and therefore my stress level has increased every year since 2000. If they win it all, will that make my stress level decrease? No way. Just ask a Steelers fan, whose team has won two Super Bowls in recent memory, but can’t stop salivating at the thought of winning number 7---then 8,9,10…if they could only count that high. (Had to get at least one dig in)

Where does it end? It doesn’t. One hundred years from now, in the year 2111, Detroit Lions fans might be bragging how they have 32 Super Bowl rings, and that Cleveland Browns only have 30. Meanwhile, the football team that was in Pittsburgh moved out in the middle of the night to Arkansas and became the “Little Rock Steelers,” never getting more than 6 Super Bowl titles, and having an average attendance of 487 rabid Arkansawyers (trust me, I Googled it) who have long since turned in their terrible towels for “terrible spit cups.” Sure, this is a bit far fetched, but I can dream--can’t I!?


So heed my warning football fans: be grateful if you’re team sucks, and relax if your team is great. We’re only here for a short while, and If your biggest worry is a football game, that’s a pretty good indication that there’s not much left in your life to bitch about. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself all week.

Top 11 People Who Never Bitch(ed)

Since I just started this Done Bitching blog, I thought it would be a good idea to exemplify the spirit of Done Bitching by giving you a Top 11 list of people that never bitch, or more appropriately (since most of them are no longer with us) never "bitched." This will give you a good idea of what Done Bitching is all about, and why I think it is so important to celebrate the beauty and grandeur of this life with gratitude and eloquence--and stop complaining all the time like a bunch of damn wusses! The reason I chose 11 is because a)11 is a cosmically charged number of great spiritual significance and b)Top 10 lists are for boring, regular, mediocre people--aka complainers!

These 11 people come from all walks of life--all races, colors, and creeds. In most cases, the only thing that they have in common is the one golden thread that was somehow woven into each of them at birth--they never bitched. I have to add that while I did receive some much appreciated feedback from my Facebook friends, this is MY list. So on the outside chance that you disagree with any of my choices: don't bitch, make your own list.

While it saddens me that I had to bestow the grand honor of making my list to 8 of these 11 recipients posthumously, it gives me great joy to know that their spirit will live on in this blog. This is further proof that the art of "non bitching" is a timeless craft that has transcended the millenia and will live on forever, as long as we protect and nurture it. With that said, let's begin the list with a famously resurgent non-bitcher who is still with us:


#11. Chuck Norris
I knew that if I didn't include Chuck on the list that I would get a ton of nasty emails from action hero fans, cyber geeks, and Total Gym owners alike. I just hope Chuck doesn't feel so slighted about winding up at #11 that he decides to give me a round house kick to the face.
In our modern day world, "Chuckisms" have become a nationwide symbol of how important it is for Americans to have heroes, as well as our need to pass the time at work by making up stupid crap on the internet.
Though it's been said that "Chuck doesn't flush the toilet, he just scares the shit out of it," or "Steroids once tested positive for Chuck Norris," I just see him as a regular guy, and I'm glad to have him as one of the few living members of this Top 11 list. Though I did hear a rumor that Chuck died 20 years ago, it's just that death hasn't built up enough courage to tell him yet.



#10. Gandhi (1869-1948)

Here's a guy who weighed "a buck 0-2," and this would be before he went on a two week fast to protest the tyranny of the British troops against his Indian people. He also employed the method of civil disobedience to gain millions of Indians their freedom, which in turn inspired a young Martin Luther King (who also could have made this list) to do the same here in America. Civil disobedience is a fancy way of saying, "We're done bitching, but we're not going to do what you tell us to do."
Gandhi dedicated his life to truth, non-violence, and the end of useless mamby-pambyism. He once said, ""When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall — think of it, always." He was assassinated in 1948 by Nathuram Godse, a religious extremist, and no doubt a whiny little biotch.







#9 and #8. Christopher (1952-2004) and Dana Reeve (1961-2006)

Did anyone ever bitch LESS than these two!? I think not. From Christopher's unrelenting optimism in the face of total paralysis, to their combined efforts in spinal chord injury research, to Dana's battle with lung cancer---neither of them complained a bit til the day they died. They redefined what it means to look at the glass half full. Superman was a pansy compared to the real man that Christopher Reeves was, and if anyone was the "woman of steel" it was Dana. My heart goes out to their surviving children, but I have no doubt that they possess some amazing DNA.



#7. Cal Ripken Jr.



Though it would have been very easy to make my childhood hero #1 on the list, I'm trying to be as fair an unbiased as possible. That being said, no one with a fully functional frontal lobe can deny that he belongs on the list. This guy NEVER complained. He just went out and did his job for a record breaking 2,632 games until he finally decided to take himself out of the lineup.
Sure, you could make the case that Brett Favre's streak is equally impressive, especially because it's football, but to say that Brett "never bitched" would be a bit of a stretch. (Also, to the best of my knowledge, Cal never sent photos of his junk to a large breasted staffer. This definitely boded well for him as I compiled the data for this list.)
I was fortunate enough to attend the game on September 6th, 1995--when Cal broke Lou Gehrig's record and even hit a home run for Baltimore's faithful. They issued a special commemorative ticket that night, and by the grace of God I was lucky enough to have Cal sign it! One day when my son is old enough to appreciate what sports, dedication, and sacrifice is all about, I will give him the chance to watch me sell that ticket on Ebay for a nice chunk of change.



#6. Viktor Frankl (1905-1997)

Viktor Frankl was a Jewish-Austrian psychiatrist, and while he may not be the most well known person on my list, he is certainly well deserving (and I'm sure it's the highlight of his afterlife). He spent three years in Nazi concentration camps, including Auschwitz, where his wife and most of his family were murdered during the holocaust. Once liberated in 1945, he went on to write "Man's Search for Meaning," a landmark book about how to find meaning (and not bitch) in even the most terrible conditions--be they physical or mental.
One day, while being escorted from one building to another at Auschwitz (and unsure if this would be his last walk) he began to contemplate his wife as he last saw her, and had this thought: “a man who has nothing left in the world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.” Think about this the next time your spouse leaves the cap off of the toothpaste.



#5. Pat Tillman (1976-2004)



This guy is a TRUE American hero. In the modern world where high paid professional athletes are notorious for bitching, moaning, and complaining (See: Terrell Owens), Pat Tillman made a decision that puts him in a class by himself. He chose to go to war and defend our country and leave behind a high paying job in the NFL as a safety for the Arizona Cardinals. A decision that would eventually cost him his life.
Can you imagine Terrell Owens or Albert Haynesworth doing this? (BTW, I'm ROTFLMMFAOLOLOMG!!) Albert can't even be trusted to show up for practice, and T.O. pisses and moans so much that you'd think he contracted something in Tijuana. Big ups and mad props to you Pat. You are a bigger man than all of us, and you're exactly what this list and this blog is all about.



#4. Buddha (563 BC-483 BC)



When I was a kid I used to think that this was just some made-up weird guy that other weird guys with bald heads and robes bowed and prayed to. Turns out he was a real person, and never claimed to have any magic powers, other than the fact that he didn't bitch about anything. In fact, by the time he died at age 80, he was even able to keep those little voices in his head silent. You know the ones I'm talking about--the voices that bitch about everything!? Of course you do. Another name for silencing those voices (the ego) and getting to the truth about who we really are is "enlightenment," and Buddha had it down. Wouldn't that be a nice trick?
One of my favorite quotes from Buddha is, "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." Makes sense to me.
Did you know you could be a Buddhist and still be a Christian? Or any other religion, or no religion at all? Do yourself a favor and research Buddha and Buddhism (and by research I mean: Google it!). It's been around for 2500 years and it still makes sense today, maybe now more than ever. I was pretty ignorant when I was younger, but now that I'm older I've actually become one of those weird bald guys that really digs him (without the robes).


#3. Helen Keller (1880-1968)

Oh sure, we all grew up with the jokes about how her hands were purple because she "heard it through the grapevine" or how she burned them "trying to read the waffle iron," but guess what--Helen had the last laugh! Helen Keller was blind and deaf, yet somehow managed to accomplish more in one lifetime than most people with 5 senses will ever dream of. She is known for saying, "Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." And yes, she actually said that, not "mmmwawsheflaaagwaaaa."
If Helen never had a reason to bitch, then neither do you. It's well documented that she never bitched, and it's not just because she "wore mittens" or was busy "reading the stucco walls." Before you tell another Truly Tasteless Helen Keller joke (does anyone still do that?), make sure you've done more with your life than she did. Otherwise, the joke's on you baby!



#2. Nelson Mandela



As an anti-apartheid activist in South Africa in 1962, Nelson Mandela was sentenced to life and spent 27 years in a Robben Island prison until his liberation in 1990. While attending a celebration banquet after his release, Mandela even invited some of his captors to attend, including guards that had beaten him while he was incarcerated. And you get pissed at telemarketers when they call!?
Mandela once said, "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies." This attitude, as well as his fight for ALL human rights is what makes him a Done Bitching All-Star. The next time you're mad at your boss, your gossiping co-workers, the rush hour traffic, or the acne faced kid who's taking your order way too slowly at Hardees--think of Nelson. He had 27 years to wallow in anger and plot his revenge, but instead, all he did was use that time to think of new ways to love all human beings.


#1. Fred McFeely Rogers (1928-2003)



This man needs no introduction. If you grew up in the 70s, 80s, or 90s--Mr Rogers was the freakin man! Who can forget that sweater? Those sneaks? That soft spoken voice, that cheerful smile and they way it felt like he was actually talking to YOU!? This guy not only never bitched, I believe he was physically incapable of bitching. I must admit, before I wrote this blog I had no idea that his middle name was "McFeely." But Duh! What else could it have been!? (I didn't make that up, that's his real middle name).
In 2002, President George Bush awarded Mr Rogers the Presidential Medal of Freedom, America's highest civilian honor (and pretty darn smart for 'ol George). At one point there was a rumor that Mr. Rogers had been a Marine sharpshooter and had 150 confirmed "kills" during the Vietnam War. This turned out to be just rumor, and thank goodness. I prefer not to picture Fred on the top of some dillapitated building in Saigon with a sniper rifle, sweater, and sneaks putting a bullet through some Vietcong's temple at 200 yards while whispering "Won't You Be My Neighbor?"
Mr. Rogers is not just #1 on my list, he is the very symbol, mascot, and poster child for Done Bitching. In conclusion, here is one of his quotes that sums it all up for me:

"When I say it's you I like, I'm talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed."

That's some deep shit Fred.